Being lied to can be one of the most hurtful, frustrating and infuriating experiences — particularly if the person who is lying to you is someone you trusted and care about. While everyone has lied at some point in their lives (even if it’s just to be polite or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings), some people lie more than others. For some, it’s an automatic part of how they live.
Although it can be very difficult to deal with someone close to you who lies,there is a way to completely transform your experience with those who lie — no matter who they are and regardless of the lies they tell.
The Bottom Line
The key fact about liars (and everyone else) is that you cannot change them. You cannot make them stop lying — without their cooperation. No matter how angry you get, no matter how much you complain, explain the effects of their lying, try to convince them that they don’t need to lie — no matter what you do or how good you are at communication — you cannot make someone else change their behavior without their cooperation.
In fact, even with their cooperation, they will probably not change since their reasons for lying are bound to be subconscious — and if they’re not even aware of why they lie, there’s very little chance of change from that angle.
Why do Liars Lie?
What causes someone to lie consistently while others don’t have that tendency? If you know someone who lies regularly — you may have found they lie even when it’s not necessary — it may seem unbelievable and unforgivable to you. You may not be able to see why they won’t just simply tell the truth. The truth is: they are lying because they are wired to do so — as part of their survival mechanism.
This may sound like a cop-out at first, but bear with me and it will make sense.
From birth, the subconscious interprets every experience a person has, and files the meaning as a record. These records form the individual’s foundation of who he is, what reality is, and how the world works.
They provide the “evidence” of his own perspective of what the world is. In addition to this, each new experience is filtered through the “evidence” provided by all previous experiences — this is how each individual’s perspective of the world and reality is unique.
As the baby grows, and his understanding of who he is and how the world works is formed through these records (the interpretation of his experiences), his subconscious uses this information to help the child to survive and thrive in the particular environment in which he’s found himself. It will prompt his brain to trigger his body to respond in certain ways, to produce feelings, that will be given meaning by the conscious mind — resulting in behaviors, habits, choices and decisions.
So, What’s That Got to Do with Lying?
Here’s an example of how the subconscious can be programmed to prompt the conscious mind to lie — automatically:
When Janet was born, her parents were going through a difficult time in their relationship. They were also struggling financially; so there was a lot of stress, and regular arguments. As Janet grew up in this stressful environment, her subconscious interpreted each experience, filtering it through all previous experiences, and filed the data as “evidence” of who Janet is and how the world works.
Since her mother was constantly overwhelmed and on edge, she was quick to snap at Janet when she spilled something or knocked something over. Each individual will form different data based on their unique life experiences; in Janet’s case, her subconscious interpreted the combination of her life experiences so far to mean that life was dangerous.
Every time her mother reacted so angrily and yelled at her, Janet’s body went into fight-freeze-or-flight. She would feel the panicky feeling, and her body would go into the same state it would if she was in physical danger.
Janet’s subconscious made the connection between being disapproved of or disappointing someone and physical threat. In one incident at school, Janet lied about something she’d done, and no-one knew she had lied. In fact, the teacher apologized for being mistaken. This was a new experience to Janet — and one that felt really good.
The warmth and positive attention from the teacher caused her brain to trigger the production of endorphins; and these “feel good” chemicals diluted the stress chemicals that were already coursing through her bloodstream.
Janet’s subconscious, putting together all of the data, created an automatic survival plan. Whenever she was in a position where she was facing the threat of being disapproved of or disappointing someone, her subconscious prompted her brain to trigger her body to go into fight or flight; and at the same time, it prompted the feeling of relief — the faint memory of the feeling she had when the teacher apologized and showed her warmth. This automatically prompted her conscious mind to lie.
Naturally, because this was all on automatic, she had no idea, consciously why she was lying. There were several times she was caught lying. She was scolded and punished for lying; and her parents and teachers believed that this would make her stop the habit. However, because it was not a conscious choice, it had now become a way in which her subconscious was protecting her, she was not capable of making the conscious decision to not lie — when she tried to tell the truth, when she was in trouble, her body went into an extreme state of stress — which overwhelmed her conscious desire to tell the truth,and resulted in her continuing to lie. It had become (as far as her unconscious mind was concerned) a matter of life or death.
Since the subconscious cannot use reason or logic, it is very difficult for the conscious mind to override the survival mechanism of the subconscious using willpower or reason. The result of being caught only made her subconscious strive harder to lie better in order to avoid being caught in future.
As Janet grew up, her experiences compounded, all filtered through previous experiences, and fostered her compulsion to lie. In fact, Janet was now often completely unaware of her lies since she was lying primarily on automatic. Naturally, each individual’s experiences are different, and this is just one simplified example. There are endless combinations and possibilities that cause a person to lie consistently.
How to Deal with a Liar
Now that you know what causes a person to lie regularly, you can see clearly that trying to make them stop their habit would not be an effective way of dealing with them. In addition to this, feeling angry, frustrated, hurt or indignant about their lying will not help at all. So, how do you deal with them?
Start by noticing how you feel when you’re lied to. Just as the person who is lying has subconscious records that cause them to lie automatically, if their lying has a negative emotional effect on you, you have records in your subconscious that support that reaction. You may find yourself arguing that lying is wrong, and you have every reason to be angry or hurt; but take a moment to consider two points:
- If you can’t make them stop, and feeling angry or hurt is only causing damage to you, why not change that to free yourself from those feelings?
- How do you know lying is wrong? That may seem like a ridiculous question, but if you think about it, you know it because you have subconscious references that tell you it’s wrong. If you didn’t have those references (based on experiences in your early life) you wouldn’t know it as wrong.
Since you can’t make the liar change (they could change themselves using FasterEFT to change the records held in their subconscious, if they choose to do so), the only way to free yourself from the negative experiences you have been enduring is to change the way you feel about the lies and the way you respond. And in order to do this, you will need to change the records you hold in your subconscious that cause the emotional reactions in yourself.
There are Two Main Ways to Deal with a Liar:
- Feel angry or hurt, and react accordingly — confronting the person, or not confronting them and just thinking about how terrible they are. This causes your own body to go into a stress state — causing damage to your own health, and affecting your own decisions, actions, relationships, and everything else, but having no positive effect on the liar’s behavior.
- Understand that the person lies, and calmly making a mental note to bear that in mind for the future.Addressing the lies if necessary, in a calm, unemotional and practical way, and then putting your focus back on your own achievements and things you can control.
Of course, the second option means a much happier, healthier, more successful you.
Using FasterEFT to Deal with the Liar in Your Life
In order to free yourself from the effects of being lied to, you need to change the records in your own subconscious that support your current reaction to being lied to.
Start by taking a deep breath and close your eyes. Think about the last time you were lied to, and how that felt. Now think back to how you know that what that person did was wrong. How do you know that lying is wrong? Who taught it to you, and how did you learn it? Notice the memories that come up that bother you, and make a list (just one or two words to identify each memory).
Next, go through your list, addressing each memory using the FasterEFT technique. Make sure you keep going until you have flipped each memory. Then, go back to the last time you were lied to, and notice how the feelings have changed. Notice what negative feelings and thoughts are still left, and use the FasterEFT technique on those.
Be sure to flip them completely. Now, think about the liar in your life — how do you feel when you think about them. Notice how you feel, where in your body you feel it, and how strong it is, then use the FasterEFT technique again to clear that feeling until it has completely flipped.
From now on, whenever you catch yourself feeling any negative feelings about someone lying, use the FasterEFT technique right then, in the moment, to flip that feeling. If you’re with other people or can’t tap physically for some other reason, useMental Tapping.
You can’t change anyone else, but you’ll be surprised at how much you can change your experience of them by changing the inside of you!
More Empowering Advice from Robert G. Smith — Founder of FasterEFT
For more information on FasterEFT visit: The FasterEFT System.
For detailed guidance on using the technique read: The FasterEFT Technique — Step-by-Step.
To listen to Robert G. Smith explain how the mind works, and to see FasterEFT demonstrated on others, watch the videos in the FasterEFT YouTube Channel.